I suppose that it was only a matter of time before I ended up in the hospital. In the months leading up to my being admitted, I just kept going and going and going. I wasn't getting much rest if I got any at all, there were several on top of several different stressers I was facing down and my emotions were just a pile of ruins festering in the pit of my belly.
I had come to loathe my family, my friends, my job, my co-workers, my home, my car, my life. I didn't realize it then but I had begun to withdraw and entertain some pretty dark thoughts for someone who was always reminding people to look on the bright side.
Looking back on it, there had been a few tremors and clouds of ominous smoke signaling that something bad was about to happen. But, the volcano didn't erupt until the late summer night when I couldn't find the jump-drive that contained the novel I'd been diligently working on. I wanted to do some editing and re-writing and literally panicked when I couldn't find the drive.
I ripped through my tiny apartment like a lioness stalking her prey. But, to my dismay the jump-drive was nowhere to be found. So, I began to cry. My tears turned to anger then my anger turned to rage which evolved into a blind fury complete with a screaming fit and the pounding of my fists against the wall. This wasn't about the jump-drive. This was about the fact that I was, quite simply, stressed out, tired and emotionally wounded.
At that moment, I felt like the loss of my jump-drive was just more evidence of my incompetence and inability to do anything right. My thoughts became increasingly negative choking out my will to fight against them and even my will to go on living.
I was torn between wanting to hurt, possibly kill, myself or calling someone for help. Thankfully, I opted for the latter and made an important call that would set in motion the event that would change my whole way of thinking and being.
To be continued ...
I had come to loathe my family, my friends, my job, my co-workers, my home, my car, my life. I didn't realize it then but I had begun to withdraw and entertain some pretty dark thoughts for someone who was always reminding people to look on the bright side.
Looking back on it, there had been a few tremors and clouds of ominous smoke signaling that something bad was about to happen. But, the volcano didn't erupt until the late summer night when I couldn't find the jump-drive that contained the novel I'd been diligently working on. I wanted to do some editing and re-writing and literally panicked when I couldn't find the drive.
I ripped through my tiny apartment like a lioness stalking her prey. But, to my dismay the jump-drive was nowhere to be found. So, I began to cry. My tears turned to anger then my anger turned to rage which evolved into a blind fury complete with a screaming fit and the pounding of my fists against the wall. This wasn't about the jump-drive. This was about the fact that I was, quite simply, stressed out, tired and emotionally wounded.
At that moment, I felt like the loss of my jump-drive was just more evidence of my incompetence and inability to do anything right. My thoughts became increasingly negative choking out my will to fight against them and even my will to go on living.
I was torn between wanting to hurt, possibly kill, myself or calling someone for help. Thankfully, I opted for the latter and made an important call that would set in motion the event that would change my whole way of thinking and being.
To be continued ...
I do hope your feeling better. Thank you so much for visiting my blog. And thank you for becoming a follower. I seen that you read that book 'The Shack.' Was that any good? I seen it at the book store. I grabbed 'The Road.' Take care my new bloggy friend!
ReplyDeleteHi Anne! Yes, I'm feeling better. This all took place back in June '08. I plan on posting more on this subject later on today. Thank you so much for your concern!
ReplyDeleteWow, you made me want to stick to this story.
ReplyDeleteOkay, now I can't stop reading...
ReplyDeleteThanx for coming by my blog. I can't wait to hear the rest of your story. Since you're writing about it, I guess you're better now. It's amazing the things that we go through that other people don't know about..
We ALL have a story.
I'll be back :-)