When It Pours ...

When I first moved to Phoenix, AZ everyone there would go on and on about what they call "monsoon season." Being a born and raised midwestern girl and knowing a thing or two about storms, I had no choice but to take their word for it and wait for the dreaded monsoon season to hungrily swallow up the Valley of the Sun. But, when I was finally able to witness one of these dreaded monsoons, I ended up turning to those people and laughing!

"THIS is a monsoon?" I giggled. "You haven't seen a real storm until you've lived in the Midwest."

In fact, the only things that were impressive about a rainstorm in Phoenix, AZ were the dust storms that preceded a rainstorm and the fact that it rained there at all. And, I have to admit that I would stand outside and watch dust storms approach whenever I had the chance. Imagine a huge reddish brown cloud of desert soil and small rocks that seems to rise all the way up to the sky literally rolling toward you at several miles per hour. Believe it or not, I found it beautiful ... this, after all, is not something you see before a storm in the midwest.

No, other than the dust storms, rainstorms in Phoenix did not impress me at all and everyone there thought I was crazy. I had to remind them that I am, after all, from a city on the outskirts of Tornado Alley. I'm from an area where tornado sirens are as necessary as smoke detectors! Gimme a break, lol!Now, I'm back home in the Midwest and today its raining outside. I smiled as I listened to the rain beating against the window panes. The outside was really raging and I smiled as I remembered monsoon season in Phoenix. *sigh*What I wouldn't give to trade a "midwestern tornado weather" for a "Valley of the Sun Monsoon Season" when it comes to the storms of life. Now, I know that there are others experiencing far worse than I am right now. I also know that God will not put more on you than your shoulders can bear. Now, I'm flattered that the Lord thinks so highly of my strength and I will not complain about that fact (at least I'm trying not to) but whew ... Jesus, can I get a break, huh?

Everything seems to be going wrong ya'll. Have you ever had one of those domino effect experiences where one thing went wrong and it effected something else and that went wrong and it effected something and THAT went wrong and so on and so forth? Or how about this ... have you ever had an experience where you could fix what went wrong but all of a sudden the resources you needed to fix the situation suddenly dried up and disappeared? Okay ... well magnify that by ten ... maybe twenty and you have what I'm going through.

On the one hand, I would like to break down and have a good cry about it. But, on the other, I just can't do that. Its like something on the inside is telling me, "Eb, its not that serious. Keep it movin' ..." And when I tell you it really is that serious ...I need a miracle because right now, my situation is completely impossible. No really ... its impossible, no exaggeration. Yet, everything within me knows that its going to be alright and I can't, I just cannot panic. Its not a foreign feeling ... but still ... I just have no idea how I'm going to get out of this.

But, God is real. He is so real. And He specializes in impossible situations. So, I'm choosing to trust in Him inspite of what I see around me. I'm choosing to trust in Him inspite of what my family and friends think. They aren't supportive as I'd like them to be when it comes to my faith but I'm not living for God for them so in essence I guess I shouldn't really care, huh?

In a nutshell, the rain is pouring in my life right now. And its not a monsoon ... its a full blown midwestern, you're-probably-going-to-wake-up-in-the-land-of-Oz type storm. And, I am choosing to stand in the eye of that storm, shake my fist at it and remind it that even though its a big one ... my GOD is bigger.

Can I get a witness????

I'm Kissing Dating Goodbye

I've always believed and said that succumbing to loneliness can cause one to be deceived thus doing and/or putting up with things that they otherwise would not. As this year comes to a swift close, I have realized that I almost let loneliness "do-me-in."
Don't get me wrong, I am content being a single woman. I enjoy being free from the added issues that often come with being in a relationship. However, I've been single for a while now and I was starting to feel like it was about that time to get back on the "dating grind."Now, my friends can tell you that when it comes to dating I am not for any kind of foolishness whatsoever. Once I detect an ounce of anything that I am not willing to put up with, I give 'em the boot without even bothering to take the time to write up walking papers. HOLLA ... VAMOOSE ... SEENT'CHA! Me being something of a serial dater has been a running joke amongst close friends for a while now. I'm seeing now that this "serial dating" did more harm than good.
By veto-ing one guy then almost immediately moving on to the next potential suitor tacked on stress and drama to my life that I could have done without. It was completely unnecessary and totally avoidable. Looking back on it now, I was tripping hard all because I thought it was about that time for me to be un-single. And look ... I'm still single. But, I'm a lot wiser than when I first began my journey through this year.
The last guy I dated was darn near close to perfect. Physically, he was my type. He had a great sense of humor and we seemed to bond really well. But, just as quick as they started things came to a screeching halt and, with little explanation, we parted ways and haven't spoken since. I was disappointed by this but, when I sat down to have an honest talk with myself, I knew half-way through our first date that he wasn't the one. I knew that I wouldn't be able to make a life with him and, at the most, we'd probably end up being nothing more than just friends. But, you know how it is when you don't want to entertain the truth so you shrug it off? Man, was I tripping!
So, here I am single. But, this time I'm single with a better understanding of who I am on the inside and the type of man that would truly compliment me in every way. And, until I meet him, I'm not dating anymore. Sound extreme? I don't think so. Having a clear understanding of what it is that you want and need before its even presented to you eliminates a lot of heartache and wasted time.
So, I've made it clear to myself what it is that I want and, until I see it, I'm on "love lockdown." And I don't have a problem with that at all.I believe that we'll know each other when we see each other. I'll rest in that knowledge while I allow God to make me a better woman. That should have been my focus all along.
And, whose to say that I haven't already met "the one." When the time is right, everything will fall into place and I'll be glad I waited. I'll be glad I chose to focus on my relationship with God and not worry about a relationship with a man. I'll be glad I chose to focus on bettering myself and preparing myself for my future. I'll be glad that I didn't settle. I'll be SO glad that I didn't settle.

These pics aren't the greatest but I just had to share. I took these with my camera phone on Sunday morning. A group of children from the church sang a special happy birthday song for Jesus in front of the church ... equipped with party hats and colorful noise makers, it was the cutest thing. Aaaah ... I love kids!

Ain't It Funny ...

I wouldn't necessarily tag today as a bad day. Although a few negative things did take place, I was prepared and faced them head on. I won't get into the details. Suffice it to say that you probably wouldn't blame me if I just shut off my cellphone and all of the lights, crawled into bed and buried myself under the comforters indefinitely (well that's a little dramatic but you get my drift). Funny thing is, as I was driving home from work, I couldn't shake this feeling that everything was going to be just fine.

I'm a praying woman so I prayed. I asked for strength. I asked for the ability to keep it moving forward. And I asked for an expectant heart ... a heart that is optimistic against all odds. I believe my prayers were answered. Believe me, I know that there are people a lot worse off than me. I know that I am fortunate in so many ways. Still there are some things that are lacking in my life ... yet, I know its going to be just fine.

When I got home it seemed like someone had broken into my house and rigged it to remind me just how okay everything is going to be. Of course I don't mean someone broke into my house literally ... but here's what I mean ...

When I got home I went into my bedroom and began sorting things for laundry tomorrow. I pushed the play button on my stereo not knowing which CD was loaded in the disc changer and began pulling my sheets off of the bed. Just as I was about to start thinking negatively the voice of gospel singer, Tamela Mann, told me "I have a feeling that everything's gonna be alright!" I smiled at that.

Then, I went into my closet to search for a specific book that I'd packed up before I moved to this place. And I came across a cassette tape of a woman's conference I had attended several years ago. The title of the tape was "Things Will Work Out." I laughed at that.

I know that things are going to work out in my favor. I am going to stay positive and I'm going to get through this like I've gotten through far worse.

Just thought I'd share.

Be Sweet,
Ebony

BEST DATE EVER!!!!!

Well, its after 4 a.m. and I'm just now getting settled into bed for a few hours before I have to get right back up again. I returned home about an hour and a half ago from the most amazing date I've had in a long time. In fact, I can't remember when I'd ever been on a date this amazing. He didn't do anything super spectacular, it was just a really beautiful evening.

We both love sushi so we agreed to meet up at one of my fave sushi restaurants for dinner and drinks. I ran into a few snags and ended up being an hour and a half late in meeting him. I could tell that he was slightly irritated by my extreme tardiness but I loved how he kept reassuring me that everything was okay and that he wasn't holding it against me. He said, "Ebony, it could have been worse. You could have been speeding down the highway on the way to meet me and gotten in a car accident and killed yourself! Trust me, its okay." I was thankful that he wanted to remain positive rather than dwell on my being late (thank God, because I can't tell you how horrible I felt about it).

The sushi restaurant we were going to is located in a plaza that's full of restaurants, a dance club and a large hotel with restaurants inside of it. So there is plenty to do around this place. When we got to the sushi restaurant we discovered that there would be a forty-five to sixty minute wait for a table! He offered to wait if I wanted to wait since we had both wanted sushi so bad. But he'd waited so patiently for me that I decided we should go somewhere else to eat. I couldn't make him wait to eat any longer. So, we decided to go to a mexican restaurant instead.

The food wasn't all that great but the conversation was wonderful because it was free-flowing and comfortable. It didn't feel like this was our first date. It felt like we were good friends who were evolving into something more. It was like we were in each other's heads the entire conversation ... we have a lot in common and didn't run out of things to talk about at all.

Our conversation went on until we looked up and noticed we were the only ones left in the non-smoking section of the restaurant and we didn't see many people over in the smoking section or at the bar. The restaurant was closing. I was disappointed because I didn't want the date to end but it was getting late and the restaurant was closing ... so ...

Then he said, "So where do you want to go now?" I hadn't thought about that. I only knew that I didn't want the date to end.

We ended up going to a sports bar that wasn't far from the sushi restaurant in the same plaza. There we found a nice quiet corner surrounded by flat screen tv's and talked until the whole place shut down at one o'clock in the morning.

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEN ....

I couldn't remember where I parked so I had to get in his car and drive around looking for it ... (lol ... i know, i know). We found my car, parked next to it and sat in the car and talked for another hour until we both got sleepy and had to end the conversation.

Like I said, nothing spectacular happened ... it was just an amazing date because its been such a long time since I've felt that comfortable with a person ... laughing with him and talking about deep things with him ... it was nice.

Thanks for listening ... this blog was totally random and pointless to you guys probably ... but I just had to gush about my date before I started counting sheep!

*big cheesy grin*

Sneezy

This is what I look like just before I sneeze! LOL ... I took this picture in my car. It was such a cute ugly picture that I just didn't have the heart to delete it. Not all a person's pics have to be good ones, huh?!

Pay It Forward

After the rough week I had, I was very excited to go to church and enjoy being around the good-hearted people I know there. I actually got there an hour early with the intention of taking advantage of the free St. Louis Bread Company coffee and bagels they always provide in the lobby before church starts (those of you not from Missouri, you may know the Bread Co. as Panera). Instead of enjoying the bagels and coffee, however, I ended up going into the auditorium, sitting toward the front and listening to the band as they practiced before service started.

While I sat there I began to reflect on my week, how hard it had been and the things that triggered me being down-in-the-dumps for the entire seven days. I came to the conclusion that there were several things I could have done to prevent feeling the way I was feeling. For example, I could have stayed away from a few of the negative people I came across and I could have chosen not to entertain some really dismal conversations from a few friends. I've come to the realization that I can't help everyone and those that I try to help are going to do what they want to do anyway so why get caught up in their affairs when I have my own to tend to?

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends but sometimes ... psssh! Especially when their mood begins to effect my own ... *rolls eyes*

So anyway ... I saved seats for my family and I and waited for church to start. That first picture you see is a picture of the stage/pulpit. The banner reads "Pay It Forward." Basically, the church members are being encouraged to "pay-it-forward" by being a blessing to others in their everyday life ... not just during the holidays.

The "Pay It Forward" message was very touching to me because I feel my happiest when I'm helping people and making a difference in their life. It'd be so nice if the entire world adhered to such a philosophy. I think that maybe we'd all be a lot happier and the prescribing and sale of various anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications would decline.

In the lobby of the church is the "Pay It Forward" tree. On each ornament is the name of a family in need. Families from my church have been encouraged to go to the tree, pick a family and bless them with things they need this holiday season. I'm tearing up at the thought because I know that right now there are a lot of families in need. The economy is bad, people are losing their jobs and homes, the children are hungry and cold. So, I think this tree and encouraging people to pay it forward everyday is great and I hope that everyone adheres to it, even when its hard. Because, I know when I'm in need ... I mean in REAL need ... I don't want someone to not help me just because its a little inconvenient for them at the time. That doesn't feel good!

So, I'm going to apply this message to my life ... my everyday. I feel better and happier when I know that my actions have enhanced the day and/or life of another. I work in retail ... its the holiday season ... you can imagine how much practice I'm going to get right? Ha ha ha ...

Don't forget to Pay-it-Forward ... today and always!

Friendship Most Foul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVJBhDoGapM


When a friend betrays you its like someone sucker punched you in the belly after you've eaten a huge meal. It hurts. Its unexpected and because of it, things from the past just start to come up. Then you begin to clearly see all of the warning signs you didn't heed before and you're left feeling naked, exposed and as though everyone knows the dirty little secrets you shared with your foul friend in the whispers of the night.

Today I learned that someone I called friend has been betraying me for years. From keeping secrets that weren't meant to be kept to betraying my confidence by repeating some very personal things that I shared with her.

When I learned of these things all I could do was cry those hot angry tears. Those tears that say,"I'm not sad, I'm pissed the hell off and if you know what's good for you, you'd scram until my eyes are dry again!"
I won't lie. I suspected that she was phony. So, stopped speaking to her in confidence and limited the time I spent with her. But, my suspicions weren't confirmed until today and what I had hoped was just me being paranoid is a bona fide reality.

I was her ace. When her childhood friends didn't even come through for her, I was there. None of them came through for her when she celebrated some of her biggest achievements, but I was there. I offered my help whenever I knew she needed it or might need it. They did not. Yet, she runs the streets with the ones who don't give a crap about her and she craps on the one who did care about her. I don't get that.

Don't get me wrong, now. I could care less what she thinks of me. But, when I think of the things I shared in confidence with her, I shudder. When I think of the emotional trauma she watched me walk through, I cringe. I shudder and cringe because she's walking around betraying my confidence. What is she saying to the people that I don't know ... the people that she's introduced me to ... the people that I've laughed and joked with as though I didn't have a clue, because I didn't. What? What? What?

I pray to God that I don't run into her anytime soon. Right now, I don't know what I might say out of anger and hurt. I'd much rather have a chance to calm down, put things into perspective and brush my shoulders off. Yes, I'm hurt but I don't want to stoop to her level and retaliate in a like manner.

I think the better person to be is the bigger person. The bigger person has control of his/her emotions. The bigger person knows that, in the end, opinions are only opinions and the only thing that matters in life is how you're living and how God views said living. The bigger person is sure of him/herself and doesn't need the positive opinion of friends to validate him/her. The bigger person knows when to let go ...

And, without opening him/herself up to more of the same, the bigger person simply ... forgives.

Good morning guys! I'm just laying around as I work up the motivation to get out of bed and get ready for an afternoon of holiday shopping fun for all except me and my co-workers! I work in retail and, as you can probably imagine, working retail during the holiday season is ... well I'm not really sure there is a word to describe it ... At least not an appropriate one. So, Im just laying here with my laptop being lazy at 11am and looking at the blogs I follow. As you might be able to tell from the pic I'm looking at the blog 'Now What.' A very randomly hilarious blog that I recommend you follow. I enjoy it. Well, I guess I've stalled enough ... I GUESS I'd better get moving. I GUESS I will ... right after this 15 minute catnap! Ha! I'll see you guys later on this evening when I return from work. I plan to finish my story so stay tuned. *Hugs* Ebony

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

A Goodnight Pic

Hey everybody! I haven't written in a couple of days (I know shame on me). I just wanted to check in, say hello and let you guys know that I am okay. I really appreciate the love you guys have shown me as I have begun to share my story. I also encourage you to come back because, as you already know, I still have more to tell. Nevertheless, I am so overwhelmed by the wonderful messages, comments, emails, etc. that I have received from you all and I want you guys to know that I care about you too! So, thanks again and I'll be back tomorrow with more to share. You guys are great!

*Hugs*
Ebony

p.s. I took this picture a few moments ago just before I slid into my nice warm (aka buried beneath a mountain of comforters) bed. Now, my laptop and I are snuggled up real close ... yes, my laptop comes to bed with me (ha ... its better than my roommate's cat sneaking into my room in the middle of the night and hogging my my blankets 'til the morning--darn cat!).

Personal Cause

Please consider helping my friends of the Courageous Church raise enough money to bless each child at Bethune Elementary in Atlanta, GA with a toy this Christmas! They've already raised enough money to buy each child a new uniform ... check out the website today! http://www.500toys.org/

The End of Me: Part 2

Instead of calling a family member or friend, I called the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) number provided by my employer at the time. I spoke to a young woman whom I'll call Andie.

Andie was very patient and listened with compassion as I sobbed on the other end of the phone. I told her how helpless I felt. I told her what a failure and a disappointment I was. I even told her that I wouldn't mind not waking up the following morning. My life was not falling apart, it had fallen apart and I was finally seeing that I was no where near as strong as I thought I was. I was ready to admit that maybe I needed help ... *cringes* ... mental help.

Andie explained to me that there was nothing wrong with seeking help for one's mental health. "Mental health is just as important as your physical health. When you're sick in your body you go to your doctor. So, when you're sick in your mind you need a doctor for that too." What Andie was saying made sense, but somehow I still felt like some sort of freak.

The more we talked the more concerned for my safety Andie became. She asked me if I would be okay at home alone and I couldn't give her a definitive answer. "I don't know," was all I could say. I really didn't know. Like I said, I was torn between wanting to fight and wanting to give up and that really scared me.

Andie was worried that I might hurt myself and that I needed medical attention. I was too ashamed to call my family so she persuaded me to get into my car and drive to the nearest hospital. So, I did.

I drove to the nearest hospital and after an assessment from the ER doctor, I was transported via ambulance to another hospital.

During the ride I was so tense. I kept imagining something terrible was going to happen to me. I felt like being admitted into a hospital due to "stress and anxiety" was an indication that I had failed and that I lacked the faith to press on. It meant that I was a waste of life and didn't deserve to breathe.

I couldn't look anyone in the eye as I was wheeled through the hospital and up to the psychiatric ward. Now, instead of crying because my life was a wreck, I was crying because I was going to "prison" and no one knew where I was because I didn't tell anyone. My family was going to be so worried and it was all my fault, as usual. See, I just couldn't do anything right!

I arrived at the psychiatric ward around three o'clock in the morning. At that point I was a little disoriented and very tired. But, I was too afraid to fall asleep in this strange place.

I endured another probing assessment where the lady asking the questions kept giving me weird looks everytime I answered one of her annoyingly nosey questions. And I cried through a freakin' strip search! The two ladies conducting the search kept telling me that everything was going to be okay and that the search was just procedure but I had never been in this kind of situation before and there was nothing they could have said that would have comforted me.

I was finally allowed to go to bed around four o'clock in the morning, I think. By this time I had a killer headache from all the crying I had been doing and I fell asleep in no time. In fact, I slept so good that I think I forgot where I was because when a phlebotomist woke me up a few hours later to draw my blood I stared at him for several seconds in fear while wondering what the hell he was doing in my bedroom!

to be continued ...

The End of Me: Part 1

I suppose that it was only a matter of time before I ended up in the hospital. In the months leading up to my being admitted, I just kept going and going and going. I wasn't getting much rest if I got any at all, there were several on top of several different stressers I was facing down and my emotions were just a pile of ruins festering in the pit of my belly.

I had come to loathe my family, my friends, my job, my co-workers, my home, my car, my life. I didn't realize it then but I had begun to withdraw and entertain some pretty dark thoughts for someone who was always reminding people to look on the bright side.

Looking back on it, there had been a few tremors and clouds of ominous smoke signaling that something bad was about to happen. But, the volcano didn't erupt until the late summer night when I couldn't find the jump-drive that contained the novel I'd been diligently working on. I wanted to do some editing and re-writing and literally panicked when I couldn't find the drive.

I ripped through my tiny apartment like a lioness stalking her prey. But, to my dismay the jump-drive was nowhere to be found. So, I began to cry. My tears turned to anger then my anger turned to rage which evolved into a blind fury complete with a screaming fit and the pounding of my fists against the wall. This wasn't about the jump-drive. This was about the fact that I was, quite simply, stressed out, tired and emotionally wounded.

At that moment, I felt like the loss of my jump-drive was just more evidence of my incompetence and inability to do anything right. My thoughts became increasingly negative choking out my will to fight against them and even my will to go on living.

I was torn between wanting to hurt, possibly kill, myself or calling someone for help. Thankfully, I opted for the latter and made an important call that would set in motion the event that would change my whole way of thinking and being.

To be continued ...

So It Begins ...

Enjoy this random picture of my laptop screen as I prepare to write my first blog entry. I'm not entirely sure what I want to say but a seedling of an idea is beginning to take root and I believe that it may just be the foundation upon which I build my entire blog. I do hope that you will become a faithful reader and friend. Like my little seedling idea, let's grow together!